This post was originally an email I sent out on this same day.
Monday, I'll be saying goodbye to the apartment that I proudly called mine for the past two years.
I moved into this apartment on a borrowed $300. I made enough as a virtual assistant to cover a security deposit and my first month's rent. My partner opened our energy account with his credit card.
Back then, I had a sense of pride over the way we lived. Sure, my couch had permanent crumbs poking me every time I sat down and my tv threatened to tip over because of the uneven floors, but it was fine.
I was in survival mode. I needed to do whatever it was to make sure I could feed my children and not get evicted. Every client I signed and every invoice I sent was a desperate cry to please please please let my bills be paid this month.
I was so proud of living in poverty.
I believed that if I made more money, I would no longer be relatable or worse, the dreaded “privileged”.
I romanticized the struggle as if it was the only thing that made me real.
This apartment is also the place where I had a firm reckoning with whether I wanted to hold on to this identity of proud poverty, or if I would allow Her to decondition from this narrative and shift.
But it's extremely difficult to change a narrative or reframe conditioning if you do not have anything to replace it with or you don't know what you're capable of shifting into.
Note: I have a tendency to choose the most uncomfortable routes, but you do NOT have to choose discomfort. The important element is intention. I choose to intentionally make myself uncomfortable during my shifts – you get to choose and intend differently.
Here were a few things I did when I was deconditioning my poverty pride:
- I walked through the most expensive furniture store in my town and I sat down on the couches. After weeks of nausea, tears, and feeling undeserving, I bought one. No more crumbs.
- I finally told my children, “yes,”to “pop-its” – a fad that's hip with the kids these days (did I really type that? Jeez). I rarely bought my children fad toys because I can't afford something you won't love forever/ people will accuse me of being soft or spoiling you/etc. Turns out, my poverty conditioning affected the narrative I sent my children, too.
- I left food on my plate. Cue the waste narratives.
- I supported my partner when he walked out of his teaching job. Being solo income for four people surfaces tension, bitterness, frustration, you name it – but we also realized we didn't need more money, we needed more quality time. We thought we needed the money to buy the time. 😆
- I started telling people in person that I'm a Seer. I used to say “I'm like an astrologer” or default to “I'm a writer” so the conversation doesn't get awkward. Just saying it out loud created a shift in who approaches me and how easy it's been to receive.
When you shift, the world matches what you radiate. Deconditioning creates change in the physical realms.
I had one more narrative to reconcile with: When I grow, the world “tests” me.
You might relate to this one… every time I am moving towards something better, something crappy happens!
For me, it was a sudden and painful issue that completely tore me away from my momentum, business, and growth. I had to invest thousands of dollars into managing it. I frantically rescheduled client calls, launches, and commitments. The scariest part was wondering if my mental health would hold up, after all the progress I've made.
This issue lasted six agonizing weeks over the summer.
I had a lot of conversations with my Self about how unacceptable this is.
I have no idea where I subscribed to the notion that there's always another shoe waiting to drop.
Now, when I feel the fear of something bad might happen creeping on, I see it. I honor that I'll deal with it if it happens, but I am no longer waiting for it.
Monday, I will move into the apartment I was initially denied several months ago when I was still working through poverty conditioning.
This time, I was given the option to prove that my self-employment wouldn't be an issue. My application was accepted within days. To top it off, the secretary shared that my website sent him down the Human Design rabbit hole, even though he knew nothing about it. Then he handed us our new keys.
Deconditioning can be sloppy. It can be difficult, hard, sudden, or straight up scary. (Also, it doesn't have to be, as we are all designed differently. You may find deconditioning is more effective when you hold yourself in safety rather than upheaval).
My poverty conditioning made it so I could never accept compliments, donations, or even gifts from friends. Months ago, I couldn't accept living in this new apartment because it was too luxurious and how ashamed would my ancestors be to see me living in luxury? That's how deeply ingrained my poverty conditioning was.
How PROUD would my ancestors be to see me, the Mother to two little boys who share Our Blood, making it happen? To know that our long bloodline of farmers and nomads made it here and we are thriving? And here's deconditioning the idea that our children should have to suffer because we did, and so did the people who came before us.
If you are working through deconditioning poverty mindset at this time, I'd like to invite you to say the words, “I receive this.”
Hey can I donate to you because of something you created?
No, you don't have to, it's free!I receive this.
You look beautiful, today.
Oh, it's nothing. I tried something new. Ramble ramble. I receive this.
You're so talented and lucky that you created a business.
Oh but you can do it too ramble ramble. I receive this.
See what happens.
Your fellow passenger,