Love Languages of Human Design

💡This isn’t a skimmable post. Save it for when you can sit down with your (or your partner’s) Human Design chart to decipher the pieces of the love themes. You can also download this post at the bottom of the article.

Not everyone is designed to love or experience love the same way.

(You knew this)

You might be flirting with someone you recently connected with. Or you’re swooning over your long-term partner. At some point, there’s a moment of, “Wtf have I gotten myself into???”

People also feel trapped in “cycles,” choosing the same traits in partners. They wonder why they have a type while their well-meaning friends sigh, “not again!”

Human Design mechanics explores love through love gates and connection readings. This post is about the gates.

For aromantic/ace readers: Love isn’t limited to loving people or objects. The Human Design system reveals how people find love through experiences. This understanding is sometimes brought on by other people.

For example, someone who enjoys working out has a crush on you. You don’t return the feelings. You can still learn what love is through the resiliency of the body, seeing how they talk about lifting.

For polyamorous readers: Polyamory can come with jealousy. There’s also fear of your primary partner loves another partner “more”. Your pod may have people who have grown closer than others.

When two charts merge, it creates a connection chart between those two people. This is why one person can bring something out of you that doesn’t exist with your primary partner and vice versa.

None of this is about compatibility. Being with someone is a form of conditioning. Witness, learn, and understand the way you’re designed to love.

This includes yourself and your partners.

First, the FAQ.

Why do I love my partner some days and want to strangle them the next?

There’s your Human Design chart and there’s your partner’s Human Design chart. You can have everything from the same type, authority, profile, even incarnation cross.

In each other’s presence, your charts merge. This merge creates a connection chart sharing the story of your unique relationship.

You were pulled in by their quirks. Then their quirks irritate you. Then you love the quirks again. The way you feel about them isn’t set in stone. Enjoy the ride.

I keep coming back to this person that I know isn’t good for me. Why? How do I stop?

When your chart merges with someone else’s it creates a unique experience, right? That experience is familiar. It can create the illusion of safety even if you know it’s not for you.

If you committed to someone for any length of time, the merged charts felt good for you in some way.

You feel like you’re missing a part of yourself when you pull away. The initial joy turns to sadness.

The antidote is to give yourself time to sit in your own aura.

Okay, I admit I have a type. Why is this happening?

Your chart doesn’t change. Certain parts of your chart conditions you to yearn for something you don’t have. This creates the illusion of wholeness when you fulfill the yearning.

You like what you like.

Your Human Design chart(s) reveal ways you love and want to be loved

Generate your chart first. I use myBodygraph for chart generation.

Here’s Anais Nin’s chart as an example:

Here are the love gates that apply to every chart:

You’ll notice that Anais Nin has gates 10, 41, 28, and 55.

Now look up your chart and see which love gates you have.

Remember that Human Design isn’t about what’s “right” or “wrong.” You don’t even have to relate to it. It’s expression and not the same for everyone even if they have the same gate(s).

Find the gates you have, using the visual guide above.

Then match your gate to the descriptions.

Gate 10 – Self-Love

Archetype: (Whichever archetypes you’ve assigned to yourself).

In fear of sounding cliche, there is no better way to share this gate than to call it the gate of self-love. This is why you’re the one who assigns the archetype of this gate.

This gate has self-appreciation learned through loving others and yourself in return.

On the shadow side, this manifests in fawning, waiting for a savior to sweep you off your feet. It’s posting concerning content on social media. This comes from valuing yourself on how many likes, follows, and comments you receive. Self-love becomes self-loathing.

Gate 28 – Purposeful Love

Archetype: Kuan Yin

This gate is about loving another person and seeing your purpose through them. You’re a romantic that allows yourself to ride the sea of love, knowing both pain and ecstasy. Struggle is your playground and makes others, including your partner, flinch.

As Mickey Rourke said in Sin City, “Worth dying for, worth killing for, worth going to hell for.”

On the shadow side, you’re someone who cuts with words. You’re the romantic that switches up, shocking your significant other. You resent them for not being designed to struggle. You get overwhelmed when you take on struggles that aren’t meant for you.

Gate 44 – Successful Love

Archetype: The Balanced Scales

Successful love is about sharing wealth and mutual recognization of talent. Regardless of gender roles or monetary imbalance, you love your dynamic.

This gate says “we” and “our” in relationships, rather than “I” or “you.”

On the shadow side, you demand equal output as a measure of love. If your partner isn’t making as much money as you, you resent them. This results in an imbalanced distribution of power and arguments. You fights sound like, “If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be able to get this apartment!”

Gate 40 – Earned Love

Archetype: The Giver

There is both love for the work you do and love for how it affects your partner. It’s the excitement in their eyes when you buy them the video game they’ve been wanting for a while. You find peace in knowing what you provide appreciated, even if they don’t offer verbal gratitude.

Look to the contracts and workloads you’ve taken on. Keep it clean so you know what’s worth working for. The Get Things Done method is great for this process.

On the shadow side, you provide for people that you no longer care for. There’s grudges and muttered curse words under your breath. This can manifest in ghosting the other person, even divorce. “I can’t do it anymore.”

Gate 58 – Love Through Correction

Archetype: The Perfectionist

Ever called dramatic, controlling, or even crazy?

This gate is about correction when it comes to love and respect. It’s a difficult gate for partners because there are demands that are impossible to meet.

Your partner must be open to hearing you. Since this is a personal gate, you come first. This can challenge gender norms or societal expectations.

Love them anyway.  They’ll say, “You’re an asshole… but I love you, too.”

On the shadow side, you don’t operate out of love. Instead, you choose control or fear. It’s asking pan/bisexual partners to “choose a side,” because you feel threatened. That type of correction is with harsh resistance, which can eat away at you if you continue pushing it.

Gate 41 – Love Through Touch and Fantasy

Archetype: Aspasia

This is the only love gate that comprehends love through sex. It’s about reproduction. Woven into this gate is fantasy.

Note: there’s no correlation between this gate, being a nympho, or infidelity.

In fact, you may find that you prefer something meaningful whether it’s with the right or right now person.

For aces: Remember not all forms of intimacy is through sex. You can look at your partner and think, “What a masterpiece… I want to trace my fingers over their skin.”

On the shadow side of gate 41, you judge yourself or others based on sex. There is societal expectation to not have a “dead bedroom” or your spouse will cheat with a younger model. Women, as they age, feel pressured to remain alluring.

This gate isn’t about how much sex or intimacy. It’s about finding love through those experiences.

Gate 55 – Indecision in Love

Archetype: Hamlet

If you know about the emotional center, you know that it doesn’t make decisions in the moment. Love is ever changing in your world. This is rough when a partner wants the immediate answer of, “how much do you love me?”

You don’t know until you know. Love isn’t today what it was yesterday.

Instead, cook them their favorite meal to show that you’re paying attention. Compliment the suit they’re wearing. When the “I love you comes,” you say it with certainty every time.

On the shadow side, you succumb to pressure, saying things you don’t mean in that moment. “Do you want to get married soon?” can result in feeling pressured to say “sure,” instead of “I don’t know yet, let me get back to you.” It could hurt your partner’s feelings. But if you said “of course,” but didn’t come to peace with what those commitments mean, it makes this worse.

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