I didn’t realize how much racism I swallowed and stomached until I started my Human Design experiment. I was raised to keep my head down, shut up, and get good grades because my existence is what kept my parents in this country.
Anchor babies were still a thing.
Is it a derogatory term? Yes.
Does it tell a story relevant to my complex identity? Yes.
Our Asian American identity is a constant war. We experience the fold of being considered white (happened to Italian Americans, Irish Americans, and the Jewish) which weaponizes us against BIPOC.
(My mixed race readers can relate, yeah?)
As a Projector, my not-self is bitterness and it come from all directions.
It’s the eye-roll whenever people “ni hao ma” me (Mandarin isn’t the only Chinese dialect).
It’s the “wtf, why did this happen,” when a group of white teenagers threw frozen water bottles at our heads as they drove by and called us unimaginative slurs.
It’s the realization that the POC boy you had a crush on, “exclusively dates up.”
It’s the normalization of self-elected butchering of POC bodies because we’re taught that we’re unlovable without euro centric features.
I accepted this as the life a good Asian American woman needed to live – until I didn’t.
Until my waiting for recognition and invitation led me to understand that I have been “picked” for my yellow body to fill a diversity quota.
Until I realized all these loud “allies” (this is not exclusive to white readers) are suddenly silent because a black man assaulted and killed a Thai elderly man and they did not know how to be anti-racist without being anti-black or pro-police.
Until I realized I am blessed as a Self-Projected (8-1) authority because through all this silence, I will continue to speak and be heard, even when I’m perceived as radical.
Because you can’t embark on this Human Design experiment without being radical.
It is radical to listen to you own body and challenge your cultural upbringing.
It is radical to get up and walk out of a conversation that stews your not-self.
It is radical to fight – I didn’t say share on social media or use a hashtag – I said to FIGHT for those who have been killed or will be killed, at the risk of your own life. (This isn’t a call for violence – this is to reveal that the reality of anti-racism work is that you can put yourself in danger. I won’t sugar coat this).
This is life or death.
There is no red vs blue.
Conservatives vs Liberals.
Racism lurks in every corner, from white communities to POC communities – we can see this from how many Asian Americans have been victims of racial violence in seemingly “safe, liberal communities”.
We cannot tear down racist constructs by depending on the same constructs that pit us against each other.
“So, what can we do, Fiona?”
Funny, this is also the question people ask first, when they learn about Human Design.
“What do I “do” next?“
I have no anti-racism green juice detoxes for you.
No anti-racism energy healing meditations.
I can only help you see how fucking unique, gifted, talented, and worthy of love you are and ask you to see that person behind the bodygraph.
Embody your design.
Fight to differentiate yourself with radical self-love.
Yes, you, mixed raced child who was raised by a white parent and feel completely disconnected from your culture.
Yes, you, activist who calls yourself “white” out of guilt but you are still connected to your ancestral motherland.
Yes, you, POC child who had it beaten into your soul to “act white” by your well-meaning family hoping to keep you safe and alive, now needing to unlearn all that conditioning and influence.
I am telling you to radically love your complex, nonlinear identity.
Only when you can fight for yourself can you fight for the people you love.
I don’t have charities for you to donate to.
I don’t have petitions for you to sign.
I ask that you open your awareness to the next time your not-self bubbles up in your body and you’re caught between being “unproblematic” and being “radical”.
Even if you can’t “do” anything – yet – that awareness… that moment of, “Oh shit, this is WRONG-” is more valuable than anything you could “do.”
Maybe you want to “prove” how inclusive you are and how anti-racist you are, but fuck that. I don’t give a damn how many times you write about it on your website or say “WE HIRE LGBTQ+ AND BIPOC” on your job opportunities.
It begins with awareness.
That awareness bleeds into everything you do – every fiber of your existence.
We recognize it when we see it.
You hold yourself to a different standard.
Your micro decisions, every day, reveal the changes you are going through.
The first deconditioning cycle in Human Design takes 7 years. That is how long it takes for your cells to renew.
I do not ask that you figure this out overnight. It’s impossible.
As the head center teaches us… make space for confusion, mystery, doubt. Mistakes create more opportunities for awareness. Not-self reveals what needs addressing.
There, anti-racism begins.
A thank you to “Bray the Great,” fellow Projector, for entertaining my endless hours of rage and anguish and tears. Your existence challenges me, every day, to keep fighting, keep speaking, keep going, to hold myself to your standards, even when no one seems to be listening or watching. You are a storm and the world has no idea what’s coming. 🖤 I can’t wait.