When autumn arrives, I know that I'll start rapid cycling through depression and mania. Yet, there's always been a suspicion in the back of my mind that I'm not really sick and if I could only get out of traumatic and stressful situations, I'd be fine.
But I am relatively stress-free. My life has been molded out of my wildest dreams… so why am I feeling like a clown who is constantly laughing but crying at the same time?
My physician went through my medication history with me and told me that antidepressants made me worse because of the bipolar spectrum. I've tried everything from diet to exercise to maintaining a healthy lifestyle but I'm faced with the ultimate truth: my health can't sustain itself unmedicated. I was prescribed temporary medication until my insurance can approve something for the long-term.
Last night, I took the first pill. This morning, I woke up uncomfortable. When I tried to sit down and answer my emails, I felt blank.
I started cooking breakfast for my son and when my partner asked me what I was making, I could hardly pull the words together. Immediately, I felt that I don't like this.
Why is the world suddenly dull? Why is my brain like a cloudy cocktail?
What if I can't teach anymore because I'm not as sharp while on medication?
What if I stop being creative?
What if I don't like this person that I become?
I remember that I had a friend with a similar diagnosis. Then he got on medication. He's an artist, too, so I was surprised that he'd allow medication to affect his work. He said to me, “Fiona, medication doesn't change you or make you different. Medication helps you become more of who you are.”
Sometimes, I still struggle to believe him, especially now as I'm bumbling around my apartment, unable to do much but type a few words.
Today, I find much comfort in remembering my Human Design. Just last week, I made a graphic that started as an advertisement for my Human Design readings (I've also started sending my clients their raw notes in this fashion because it seems to help) and ended in a self-roast through HD.
I reminded myself that when it comes to Human Design, this chart is who I am, through and through, no matter what. I will find different expressions of this design, but fundamentally, I am unchanging.
I also pulled some Lenormand cards and an oracle card to help me meditate on my current state of being.
In short, these cards share that I'm headed towards a new chapter in my book of life. I can't survive on mania. I'm a Projector with an undefined sacral center… I need stability in my life, especially when I am in creation. Waiting for inspiration and energy to strike can be dangerous, especially because it can trigger a manic episode at any time. The worse my mania gets, the deeper the depression that follows.
The oracle card I picked was perfect. I'm a self-projected projector in the RAX of the Vessel of Love. It's as if this card is asking me to surrender to the shift within my incarnation cross.
Many of my clients ask me if they're living in their purpose or if they've fulfilled their incarnation/destiny. There is not one purpose/destiny to fulfill. Life is not a single trajectory but rather, a series of cycles that express purpose differently as you age, mutate, and shift.
For me, the Right Angle Cross of the Vessel of Love meant establishing vulnerability, especially when it comes to my loved ones. I used to hold a lot of shame, guilt, and fear around my upbringing and abuse. I was scared that when people saw me, they'd either hurt me or laugh at me. When I first surrendered to my design, I had to learn how to feel into the love being offered.
Now, two years later, my RAX of the Vessel of Love expresses itself differently. The keywords for this card say Love-Based Reality. I interpret this card to mean that I give myself permission to see love and stand in my power, regardless of what is happening around me.
Medicating myself is an act of love. It is to choose life over suffering until my last breath. It is to choose my children over my work. I am terrified that I won't be that shiny, creative woman without mania coloring my world, but I also know that the crashes will affect my family the most.
I've been on and off medication since I was 13 years old. I am 30 at the time of writing. I wasn't ready for medication in the past two years but I honor the wishes of the Woman I was. Now, I'm respecting that I've felt the push to try again.
I don't know what my next expression of my Human Design will look like though I welcome her with a heart filled with love. I am proud of her and I am rooting for her. Most importantly, I hold space for her to get ugly or hysterical, especially if it becomes part of the journey for her to expand the way she expresses her Projector love.
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