One of the biggest ironies of life, spoken through Human Design, is that we are attracted to what we are not. We live addicted to coaches, gurus, fast fixes, blueprints… anything to turn us into anyone we are not.
When I learned that my incarnation cross, which is intimately tied to my life purpose, is the Right Angle Cross of the Vessel of Love, I immediately felt a visceral repulsion.
Love was a word that you rarely hear in traditional Chinese families.
Love was something that I felt denied, especially for reasons outside of my control.
Love felt hysterical and impossible, when I received my first borderline personality disorder diagnosis (at 13).
I was attracted to love that…
inflicted pain, because that’s how love was presented to me, from my first seven years of life and beyond,
was controlling, because my life constantly felt out of control,
told me who to be, because who I am felt unlovable.
When Human Design found me, on the edge of a relapse brought on by unrequited loves, I though this was all a sick joke.
Only two defined centers, one of love (G Center)
And an incarnation where I am the vessel of love.
That’s what Chetan Parkyn had to say about it in The Book of Destinies.
Please, there must be some mistake.
But once I was aware of my incarnation cross, there was no looking away.
My peers noted the lack of photographs on my then-website. I shamefully revealed how I hated my face, my body, my vessel.
I cursed my body for its limitations – why do you need to be so sick? why are you so sensitive to everything around you? why are you so WEAK?
I apologized when I did nothing wrong.
I apologized in advance for daring to exist.
Then, I had enough.
I picked up The Body is Not an Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor.
I tracked my energy levels instead of my calories (open splenic center).
I stopped going above and beyond to answer everyone’s questions (undefined head center) to prove my value (undefined heart center).
I take afternoons off, because I’m tired (open sacral center).
I put up boundaries when people come off too strong with me (undefined root center).
I give myself space for what I am still processing (undefined ajna).
I confronted people (undefined solar plexus) when they took advantage of my former apologetic demeanor.
From myBodygraph’s foundations and advanced combo: The Channel of Inspiration (8-1) “requires that you come from a place of authenticity that is impervious to any outside influences or conditioning.”
I could never know myself or love myself or create a business out of love when conditioning told me I wasn’t worth loving.
The undefined and open centers are great teachers. Yet, great teachers guide, instead of forcing us to become codependent on them. My constant craving for what I was not turned me away from who I always was.
This is why Human Design is a journey.
This is why we turn to our strategy and authority.
This is why there is nothing to memorize about the system.
You live it.
You experience it.
You are shaped by it.
You begin to love.
Then you radiate that love – a love that can only be defined by you, not a societal hallmark love created to sell diamond rings and one-time-use white dresses and red qipao’s.
This type of love is not quantified.
It’s never compared.
It’s part of your existence.
It penetrates every cell in your body.
It renews you with every 7 year cycle.
And then one day, that love moves down The Channel of the Beat (G Center to Sacral), down The Channel of Mutation (Sacral to Root) and out of our bodies, to return to wherever we go after this incarnation.
In a way, we have all incarnated to unlearn and relearn love… the driver, the magnetic monopole is The G Center… it’s love, right?
Enjoy the experience.